Brainwash

I really need a brainwashing session, and I need it desperately!

I think the problem is with me, for not having the right mindset to start with.

I realli nid some help...... or I afraid my heart would lose control again, as my heart will be in a mess again if the situation is as bad.... is it realli that necessary to keep a relationship to such a low profile that you can't bear it anymore? I am not those kind of person who would "surpress" my feeling until a specific time and then let it out, if I like a person, I would show my love to her whenever possible, not like strangers just not to let the others know. I don't want to give her any trouble, as she is already trying her best. However, why is it that my heart is bleeding again... it is not that she is hurting me, I am hurting myself. My past is hunting me like a nightmare, I can't control my passion anymore, it's like bursting out although I tried to resist it, but honestly saying, it's very hard for me... to have the strength to surpress it any longer... I want to give her all the best I can, but the fact is that the reality that I am facing in this new school it's making it difficult for me... Everyone is so innocent(maybe some are not), so innocent to the extent that it's is troubling me. My heart has long lost it's direction, but there is one thing for sure, it's that the feeling I have for her is real, and I am willing to do anything for her to make her happy.

I hate myself, I am behaving like a jerk, do I have the right to enjoy this sense of happiness... I don't want to hurt her, I want to give her the best things I could give. Sometime I have this weird feeling, I hope that someone can literary "stab" my heart such that the emotions could be surpressed forever, and I will never be sad again.......

And a special thank to Eric who is always willing to help me XD